Feelings

Ahh the tremendous hardships of being a preschooler. You can finally talk and walk and play with some pretty neat toys, but it is often difficult to express what is going on in your little mind as your vocabulary is limited to a few simple words. Also, hand eye coordination is not at its best. Also, everyone looks like a head with legs.

The only good thing I can see about having kids is the opportunity to constantly make fun of them. Until then, let's continue to make fun of other people's children. Starting with Jane!

Jane feels sad because she hurt her knee and she was crying. What Jane should have written is she is sad because her parents picked a boring name like Jane for a baby. Jane's parents are probably also sad because their daughter is a whiny little bitch. Three words for you Jane: Walk it off. Cool pigtails though.

Reese, I feel mad at you right now because fake blood is awesome! What do you mean you are sad about it? You are probably sad because some kids probably loaded up their squirt guns with fake blood and pretended to kill zombies and you weren't allowed to play. I would be sad if I were you too Reese. I would also be sad if I were you because apparently you are bald and a bad looking version of that egg on the anti-depression medication commmercial.

Ava... If I was your preschool teacher, your feelings would give me cause for concern. Your pictures are probably going to start looking like when the kid in "The Ring" starts drawing his dead family and cutting the faces out of all your pictures. I don't know who these "people" are that are hitting you, but I can probably make a few educated guesses.

Shaya!!! Finally, a break from the most depressed preschool class in history!!! Shaya is happy because she found something. What she found will remain a mystery, because from the looks of it she found a testicle on the ground. That word is probably not in her vocabulary yet.

Jonah is also happy!!! He is going to the 99-cent store after school. What a nice mom he must have! I only wish I could see the magical goodies I am sure that Jonah will bring to school and try to brag about and not share with all of his preschool friends. Perhaps he will be lucky enough to find a toothbrush with his name on it or some cheaply produced lead paint covered jewelry.

Ben. There are no words for the BS you are feeling today. You are surprised it is your birthday? You should be surprised that when you look in the mirror you have a pig snout instead of a nose. I hate to break it to you Ben, but no one likes kids who won't stop talking about their birthday. I know you are doing this because a birthday is probably the least surprising thing that can happen seeing as how we have handy inventions called calendars. And I know your birthday didn't hide in a closet and wait for you to come in the room and then jump out and yell "Boo!" cause that would be a surprise.

Alex is angry because she loves her mommy and daddy. .. . hmm.

And now for the GRAND FINALE!!!!

James!!! Oh sweet little James feels like a Pirate because he is wearing a Pirate shirt! I long to see what James has on at school. I also give James' picture an A+++ because you can actually kind of tell that pirate has a hook and a belt and a giant penis. I love your pirate even though pirates do not wear these: http://www.zymetrical.com/images/products/groucho.gif Congrats James! You rock my world.

I had a nightmare Doctor Phyll....

Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time!

The guy from VHI Celebreality blog is a genious. I dare you to read his blog and not LOL a few times. Also enjoy this clever post from him about the top ten moments on Rock of Love. Also, please for the love of god read the one about when Brandi pukes. Right after Heather tells her oysters are "yum-ola." The VH1 blog guy asks Heather if oysters are the SpaghettiOs of the sea. I think Heather will win, but rock on Jes!

Puke Episode: http://celebrealityblog.vh1.com/2007/09/rock-of-love--1.html

Top 10 Moments: http://blog.vh1.com/2007-09-27/the-best-of-rock-of-love/#more-13625

Evidence Joe is Batshit Crazy

Guessing Games

Beth, I will give you ten whole dollars if you can guess who this is without cheating:

Veggie Animals

Nothing makes me think of Bethy more than a plate full of veggie animals! Even though I can't remember the last time I saw Beth eat one. Muahahah.
http://www.bearsandbuds.com/July2007/Veggie-Art-July07.asp

A Trip to the Aquarium

So on Saturday, Barron and I ventured to the New England Aquarium for a fun filled day of marginally-sober aquatic entertainment. It was a good day for the Aquarium, as it was drizzling and cold, forcing us to abort our plan to visit the aboreteum. Unforch, that meant that every family within 30 miles of the city also attended. I should have brought earplugs now that think of it.

Anyway, we were promptly greeted by a turtle / shark dance off while waiting in line (the line took approximately 30 minutes to buy tickets). Barron of course participated, which can be seen in the video posted below. Things started getting a little silly and I couldn't wait to get inside.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZPJ7cWHQ-w

When you walk in, they try to make you take your picture, which prompted a fight with the lady at the door. This is a cheap marketing ploy. You stand in front of a green screen, and when you leave, they try to sell you a picture of you imposed into the penguin exhibit. Asking to avoid the picture pissed off the lady, but the "bouncer" man told us that he is supposed to make us get our picture taken, but he would not physically stop us from going in through the other line. You suck lady!

We first saw the jelly fish. They have this cool thing where you control the color of the spot light, subsequently making the jelly fish look the same color. While we were looking at this tank, some girl next to us said, "Can you picture what this must be like on acid?" Hmm, maybe I can.

They have a huge fish tank in the middle which some guy explained if it were to break, the structure is designed to dump into the penguins. This sounds like a good idea, but there are going to be a lot of angry penguins if that ever happens. They have all different breeds and sizes of penguins at the aquarium. Josh from WZLX works with the penguins, but we didn't see him in there during feeding time. Upon seeing the Little Blue Penguins, Barron exclaimed "This must be the hatchery!" We almost had to leave the Aquarium because I laugh so hard at him sometimes.
They have this really great frog exibit, including a frog kama sutra! Did you know frogs use many different sexual positions for arosal. There is the backpack, the falling leaf, the leap frog, and the egg roll. These frogs sure know how to get it on around here! We saw a blug poison dart frog and it could kill a monkey if it wanted to (not pictured below).

There is also this exhibit where you can see deep-sea fish that glow in the dark. The only problem is we couldn't figure out if it was open or not, because you have to push through a bunch of layers of velvet fabric and I couldn't figure out how to get in. We must have looked so stupid stuck in this fabric! I am just retarded though and we got in eventually.

Afterwards we found a great place to watch the sunset and Barron made the mistake of telling me this gazebo we saw on the Harbor Walk is pretty cheap to rent so now that is where I am getting married. BYOB and try not to get arrested for drinking in public because I won't be able to afford anything but the ceremony.

Day vs. Night

Peace Out!

Almost the Weekend!

Ahh yes... tis almost the weekend! I do not have a lot of spending money so it looks like much of it will be consumed by the pending Sox-Yankees series with a side of cheap beer. Tea Leaf Green is playing tomorrow night at the Paradise, but sadly Barron thinks $12.50 is a lot to pay for them (WTF you cheap bastard!). We also were considering a hippy-trippy day at the Arboreteum, but methinks it's going to rain tomorrow. Oh well! Netflix here we come.

Hope you have a nice weekend Bethy!

xoxo

Thursday Goodness

Just some things to look over on a Thursday:

Saw IV trailer (seriously watch, its the best): http://www.break.com/index/brand_new_saw_4_trailer.html

Butterfly Barron:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7P3ToPMZd4g


Barron thought I imagined a bug in my room yesterday and this is what he imagined in his head:

Adios!!

My Morning

Hello there faithful reader! Two posts in one day! I didn't post yesterday so pretend one came yesterday. Now, normally, I wouldn't broadcast this on the internets, but it is a topic that MUST be discussed. I call this topic, "colposcopy."

For the uninformed, if you have abnormal cells in your cervix, they decide they need to prod at said cells once a year to make sure they do not turn into cancer. You lay down and spread your legs, and then they spray dilluted vinegar in there.



Oh magical vinegar. Your powers abound.

Apparently, vinegar turns abnormal cervical cells white for some reason.

The first time I had this procedure done, I remember Dr. Cosmo being really enthusiastic about the magical properties of this smelly liquid. I am not sure she used the words "magical," but I think I recall a "Wowzers!" or a "Neato!" even.

I should mention how nice and clean it is in my vag now according to this picture. Wonders.





Oh also they are looking in there through this thing.

Whatever. When they are done picking and poking and such in there, they put this goop on the cut to act as a scab.

Dr. Hale-Bopp told me not to worry about the mustard flakes or black chunks that may fall out of there. Also don't put anything in there for five days.



Now I have purposely waited to discuss Doctors Cosmo and Hale-Bopp (whose names I have changed JIC). Each doctor has performed this exercise in torture to me (did I mention this was invented by some Socialist German guy named Hans Hinselmann and we won't talk about the origins of his testing). However, when I returned home from the Hale-Bopp procedure today, I felt pretty okay. A far cry from the crampy I-think-my-body-is-rejecting-my-ovaries Cosmo left me with. What the heck!

I thought now would be a good time to compare the two Doctors:



Name: Dr. Cosmo
Years since graduating med school: 9 years
Interests: Obstetrics and Menopause
Pros: - Has a vagina
Cons: - Ouchies when I left!
- Looks like my sister Kelly
- Once she was not wearing a bra and I don't understand why people do this







Name: Dr. Hale-Bopp
Years since graduating med school: 2 years
Interests: Obstetrics (including twins, he notes), urinary incontinence (WTF?), minimally invasive surgery
Pros: - Googling his picture I accidentally typed Tony Hale, who is actually the actor that plays Buster on Arrested Development and that made me laugh
- Minimal discomfort upon leaving office
Cons: - Red Head
- Does not have a vagina





Well they are both good Doctors I have to say. Their office is small, and they did not care when I was 30 minutes late today. Also they have well stocked magazines and validate parking. I also like to flip through the photo albums of pictures of the baby announcements people send to their office. My only office problem with them is that they never have change when I try to pay my co-pay in cash. I did pick a winner if I had to choose, and I drew a marginally perverse picture so email me if you want to see it because I do not want to put it on the internet.

Oprah's Va-Jay-Jay, peaceing out!
http://www.oprahsvajayjay.com/

Flight of the Conchords Appreciation post

Flight of the Conchords - If you haven't seen this show, you should. Get HBO, I don't care what it costs you. Sell your cat, your grandma, whatever, and get on the presale for the DVD because you are going to watch this all the time. At work? Youtube. Yea. That's right.

For those who are unfamiliar, the show follows two guys from New Zealand, Bret and Jemaine (not JeRmaine, just Jemaine) as they try to make their band famous in Beth's new home, Not Boston City. Did I mention half the show is conducted through song? Yes, I know I have you hooked now.

Bret and Jemaine

I was first alerted about this astonishing acheivement in television while at Moe.down8 by our neighbor, Small Bret. At about 7am, Barron again was asleep to leave me to my own devices. Instead of talking to my mittens or listening to the grass breathe, I decided to pay a visit to Small Bret, Big Bret, and Not Bret. Small Bret began to sing a song that would quickly change my life. It is called "Foux De Fa Fa."

http://www.wellingtonista.com/flight-of-the-conchords-foux-de-fa-fa

He actually knew all the words. And he didn't have this handy website with the lyrics in front of him either! Although I was very confused at the time, Small Bret opened up a new avenue for me. My personal favorite part of "Foux De Fa Fa" is when they visit the supermarket and Bret says "Boeuf" and it kind of sounds like "Beff" which makes me think of Beth.

Flight of the Conchords is an actual band in real life! They describe themselves as New Zealand's "fourth most popular guitar based digi-bongo a capella-rap-funk-comedy duo." Number one in my heart guys! I know Beth will also be an instant fan of this classic, "If You're Into It."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY8jaGs7xJ0&mode=related&search

So good. Seriously they are all good. Maybe when I come to visit "Asses of Fire" we could watch this delightful program (or programme if you prefer). Also if I ever meet Bret, I think I would tell him I am into him a little bit. Getting nude with the food? I'm so in.

Kisses!

Introduction

I have been thinking about the genesis of this blog for awhile and am happy to say there were multiple signs today telling me that I MUST begin writing for Beth.

First, I took a crap that was almost as big as her. Almost immediately upon departing the bathroom, I saw a lady walking down the hall that looked just like the infamous Beth, and she was doing this to me:



Upon breaking the circle and punching her in the face, I realized I cannot continue posting every single funny thing I see on Beth's facebook wall, and thus, this blog was born.

The change from facebook wall to blog is also due to the 250 character limit per wall posting, which is restraining my creativity which often needs further elaboration. I find myself limited in usage of such elaborate adjectives that my soul can no longer bear to announce its existence in a tiny white box where others also may dare to post.

So please, if you are Beth, check back frequently for updates. And if you are not Beth, please feel free to read and enjoy, but no comments on how sick and twisted you may think little Elizabeth is for thinking I am even marginally funny.

Much love, Shannon