My Morning

Hello there faithful reader! Two posts in one day! I didn't post yesterday so pretend one came yesterday. Now, normally, I wouldn't broadcast this on the internets, but it is a topic that MUST be discussed. I call this topic, "colposcopy."

For the uninformed, if you have abnormal cells in your cervix, they decide they need to prod at said cells once a year to make sure they do not turn into cancer. You lay down and spread your legs, and then they spray dilluted vinegar in there.



Oh magical vinegar. Your powers abound.

Apparently, vinegar turns abnormal cervical cells white for some reason.

The first time I had this procedure done, I remember Dr. Cosmo being really enthusiastic about the magical properties of this smelly liquid. I am not sure she used the words "magical," but I think I recall a "Wowzers!" or a "Neato!" even.

I should mention how nice and clean it is in my vag now according to this picture. Wonders.





Oh also they are looking in there through this thing.

Whatever. When they are done picking and poking and such in there, they put this goop on the cut to act as a scab.

Dr. Hale-Bopp told me not to worry about the mustard flakes or black chunks that may fall out of there. Also don't put anything in there for five days.



Now I have purposely waited to discuss Doctors Cosmo and Hale-Bopp (whose names I have changed JIC). Each doctor has performed this exercise in torture to me (did I mention this was invented by some Socialist German guy named Hans Hinselmann and we won't talk about the origins of his testing). However, when I returned home from the Hale-Bopp procedure today, I felt pretty okay. A far cry from the crampy I-think-my-body-is-rejecting-my-ovaries Cosmo left me with. What the heck!

I thought now would be a good time to compare the two Doctors:



Name: Dr. Cosmo
Years since graduating med school: 9 years
Interests: Obstetrics and Menopause
Pros: - Has a vagina
Cons: - Ouchies when I left!
- Looks like my sister Kelly
- Once she was not wearing a bra and I don't understand why people do this







Name: Dr. Hale-Bopp
Years since graduating med school: 2 years
Interests: Obstetrics (including twins, he notes), urinary incontinence (WTF?), minimally invasive surgery
Pros: - Googling his picture I accidentally typed Tony Hale, who is actually the actor that plays Buster on Arrested Development and that made me laugh
- Minimal discomfort upon leaving office
Cons: - Red Head
- Does not have a vagina





Well they are both good Doctors I have to say. Their office is small, and they did not care when I was 30 minutes late today. Also they have well stocked magazines and validate parking. I also like to flip through the photo albums of pictures of the baby announcements people send to their office. My only office problem with them is that they never have change when I try to pay my co-pay in cash. I did pick a winner if I had to choose, and I drew a marginally perverse picture so email me if you want to see it because I do not want to put it on the internet.

Oprah's Va-Jay-Jay, peaceing out!
http://www.oprahsvajayjay.com/